TRUE CONFESSIONS

I think I'm going crazy! Well, anyone who knows me will say I'm already crazy. But I don't mean that kind of crazy. Right now, my life is insane. Too many projects going on all at once and I can't catch my breath. It seems I can't catch anything or anyone these days. I haven't caught a lover in, I don't know how many years? I don't catch colds. I've never caught a fish. I never got caught stealing. I haven't told too many people about that. It's not that I never got caught stealing because I never stole anything, oh no, I stole before. But that time was when I was working in Gimble's Department store in New York, which isn't there anymore. But I really didn't steal the wallet. This other girl came up to me and asked me if I wanted a wallet from the men's department, that she was going to take one for herself. I didn't know what to do, but I said yes and we met after work and she passed me the wallet. I was so scared. That was the first and the last time I ever stole anything. Until a few months ago. I don't know what happened to my sense of morals, to my honesty. But they all went out the window when I was in Target and looking at blouses and I needed a belt just to try it on with the tops. So I picked out six belts. You know the kind, the ones they're showing now. Soft, wrap leather stands, some have beads or metal on them. I took the tops to the dressing room and the attendant counted the five tops, but the belts were hanging behind the tops, and she didn't see them. I didn't think anything of it and went into the dressing room. The blues and the green tunic sweaters looked great, especially with this one particular belt. The tops were on sale and I had a seven dollar credit, but the belt was marked $16.95! I couldn't believe the price for that dumb little belt at a Target store, no less. I could see if it were being sold at some boutique on Melrose, but at Target! Well, I realized I couldn't afford the belt. And I got angry. Very angry. How dare they charge 16.95 for this piece of crap that I want so much? Why can't I afford it? Why don't I have any money? God damn social security disability. They keep me at poverty level. They don't let me work and if I do go back to work, they take out one dollar for every two dollars I earn. Why the hell should I pay the government one dollar for every two dollars I earn? And then they take away my Medi-Cal and Medicare, so how am I supposed to afford to pay for all of my medication, which I take fifteen pills a day. Do you know how much psych meds cost? Like, just for the Lexepro alone, which is an anti-depressant, it cost over $200.00 a month, man! Just for the Lexepro, a lousy anti-depressant that doesn't even fucking work by itself. No! I have to take three other anti-depressants, two mood elevators, an anti-psychotic, an anti-anxiety, and god know what else. And do they all work? Why do you think those that know me, know I'm crazy? Because I am! Because the God damn pills don't work on me like they work on most people. And you wonder why I'm angry? And why I'm anti-government? And why I steal? And the thing about stealing, is that I have no conscious about it. I really don't care. I looked around that dressing room for any cameras, there were none. I ripped the price tag off the belt, which was just held on with a plastic loop. I calmly tied the belt around my waist, under my sweatshirt, put my jacket on, took the clothes out and gave the one's I didn't want to the girl and told her I had some belts and that I would put them back. I did just that, walked around the store, bought a shelving unit that I needed and was on sale, paid for everything and walked out of that Target store without a guilty thought in my head. „There is something definitely wrong.š I told my shrink a few weeks later. I started out talking about my anger and wound up crying out feelings of being deprived. A life long dilemma of which working on hurts. Sometimes it makes me feel empty inside. I don't know which is worse, the feeling of being deprived all my life or feeling deprived while working on those feelings