IT COMES TO THIS

it's come to this

when people ask me

if i have children

i cry

i can no longer fake

a casual no

i don't know

if i would even want

to deal with the reality

of having children

but the fact that i don't have them

crushes me

my father was so solid

my mother was so supported by him

and the foundation supporting

the four of us kids was like a rock

i always thought

there was a man like that

out there for me

that he would find me

or i would find him

and we'd have a family

and be happy

i wasn't looking for a prince

on a white horse

just a strong solid man

who could hold his own

i'm 43

and he has not

as yet shown himself

or i have failed to find him

or it's just not meant to be

when you're younger

43 seems so old

when you're older

43 seems so young

but 43, well,

it's what i am now

and it has to mean nothing

i have to make everything

mean nothing

otherwise

it all just means what it means

no room for other perspectives

no room for other interpretations

no room for me to grow beyond things

and change