today is the day of the big test the one that hurts

and i'm nervous even though i have a pain pill to take

i'm not sure if i'm nervous about the pain or the results

it doesn't bother me that the doctor will inject iodine

into my tubes -- i am familiar with poison

i don't need an x-ray machine to tell me that i'm a failure

i have already believed that about myself

but i'm nervous anyway

weak with fear that the doctor won't find anything wrong with me

that the test will show no sign of scars

it has been said that we the choose our parents

i am a lifeline

and i want to house a homeless searching soul

i have promised not to call in sick

i have promised to love, respect and nourish

and to let you be you

but month after month i am skipped over

and what i don't understand is

mothers who murder their children

mothers who abandon their children

mothers who starve their children

are still being chosen

my past must be visible somewhere up in the sky

i beg the clouds and the souls and the stars and the moon

to keep my secrets

i promise that i will try harder to live my life

no more dark thoughts

no more sleepless nights

no more self destruction

no more self hatred

i promise that i will try harder to live my life

every morning i walk a line

from the bathroom door to the mirror on the wall

i pick up my toothbrush and before i put it in my mouth

i look at my face

to check and see if my past has begun to show

i do not want to be exposed

i do not want to share my pain

i'm afraid that i have lived it all wrong

and i'm afraid that i will break

before i get a second chance