MOTHER'S DAY

Last night I stopped at the market to pick up something to eat for dinner. It seemed like every where I looked there was a pregnant woman in full term. Actually there were five of them, my age, and they looked great. it hit me pretty hard. That is the one thing in my life that scares me the most. That window gets smaller every year. I am willing to live with the consequences of the choices I have made in my life. But, that is the one thing I can not change at a later date. I keep holding on to the hope I will be one of the lucky ones. Claire is 44 and she just had her first. She is married though. I am not in a relation ship that has a future. I could have gotten pregnant with michael and forced the situation. I want someone to participate out of choice not manipulation. He would step up I am sure. He would also resent me in time. I see that all the time. I have a male friend now who married out of circumstance not choice. He loves his son and would never take that back. Now he is married to someone he doesn't really love. He is committed to making it work. And there will always be something missing. So time goes on for me. My window of opportunity gets smaller every day. It breaks my heart.

Today is mother's day and I am home alone, and I am going to clean. That is my life. That sounds like I clean a lot. The truth is I have let my place go lately. I have been busy and I just don't care. It is not like I have anyone over who would give a shit. I feel my life slipping away and there is nothing I can do about it. I want a family, a home so badly. I can't settle for an empty relationship just for the sake of children.

I am going to be forty two. Wow that looks ominous on page, forty two. I didn't think today would hit me so hard, mother's day never has before. Somehow it is more real today. I know that there is always adoption, ya ya ya. And that is not to make light of the children out there who need a good home. I want to have the experience of loving it before it has ever entered this world. I want the child to know, to feel it is loved before it comes out, with absolute certainty. Children who are given up don't feel that. There is the turmoil of the decision, or maybe they were never wanted. Children feel this in the womb. Perhaps those children need love the most. Maybe it is ego, maybe it is selfish, that doesn't change what I feel in my heart. I have always wanted children ever since I was a little girl. I always believed I would have my own, always. I know I would be a great mother. I wish I was strong enough to do it on my own. I have too much damage in that department. I am to weak and fragile inside these days to go it alone. I admire the women who can. I can not do what my mother did. She had it rough, and she started younger. She is much stronger that I am. Even if I had a child today, when that child was eight I would be fifty. So I hold on to the little hope I have left. That is all I have, a little hope.